Out of the Mouths of
Babes
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Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, "It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway."
A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
The Preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he was giving his preached he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third row leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
My friend, Carolyn, was frustrated by how often her four-year-old son, Brian, was getting dirty playing outside. At wit's end, she finally said, "Brian, can't you play someplace where it's cleaner?" "If God didn't want us to play in the dirt," Brian logically said, "why did he make so much of it?"
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with. --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 1
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Smell funny in the morning.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.
Better to be safe than..............Punch a 5th grader
Strike while the .........................Bug is close
It's always darkest before...... Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of........Termites
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
Don't bite the hand that.............. looks dirty
No news is................................impossible
A miss is as good as a.............. Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new......math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..........stink in the morning
Love all, trust.............................me
The pen is mightier than the........pigs
An idle mind is..................The best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's.......pollution
Happy the bride who...............gets all the presents
A penny saved is....................... not much
Two's company, three's..............the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and........you have to blow your nose
None are so blind as.................Helen Keller
Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries
You get out of something what you....see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
Humor Matters™
