Groaners
Warning: Humor May be Dangerous to Your Illness
And this page may prove it.

Groaners are those jokes, stories, puns, anecdotes, etc. that we read/hear and groan. 

They are funny and yet not funny.

Okay, here we begin:

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to  portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"  Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."  (Submitted by MAB)

 

(August, 1999 from net surfer Adam)
A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"
The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."

 

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.  The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis

 

I don't usually pass on news like this. I know how busy you all are but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about...so pass on this sad, sad news. . . There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and.. .well, you know the rest

 

After these groaners you might scream for Noah more

What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? "Now I herd everything

"Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic? They kept saying neigh

What animal could Noah not trust? The cheetah

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark? Noah was sitting on the deck

Who was the first canning factory run by? Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs

Was Noah the first one out of the Ark? No, he came fourth out of the ark

Additional Noah Riddles from Richard Lederer's book, "Literary Trivia":

Which animal took the most baggage into the arc? What animal took the least?The elephant took his trunk.But the fox and the rooster took only a brush and comb between them,

Why weren't there any worms on the arc? Because worms come in apples not in pairs.

Where did Noah keep the bees?In the ark hives.

Where was Noah when the lights went out?  In d'ark.

Why couldn't Noah catch many fish? He only had two worms.

What did the cat say when the ark landed? Is that Ararat?

 

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
 

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
 

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

 
Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression; "He who has a Tates is lost!"

 
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

 
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on....

 
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
 

(May 16, 1999)
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd   expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
  
 

(May 1, 1999)
Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to fall down. 
The moral of the story is that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

   

(May 1, 1999)
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and  there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next  table. He had been checking her out all night,  but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.   Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went   flying out of her socket towards the man. With  his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.   "Oh my god, I'm sooooo sorry," the woman said   as she popped her eye back into its socket. "Let  me buy you dinner to make it up to you."   They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and   afterwards the woman offered to drive him  home. "But it's over an hour out of your way,"  the man said. "Are you sure you don't mind?"    "Not at all," she said. "I'm looking forward to it."    The guy was amazed and flattered. "You know,  you're the perfect woman," he said. "Are you this  nice to every guy you meet?"    "No," she replied, "you just happened to catch  my eye!"

   
(May 1, 1999)
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire  in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

   

(May 1, 1999)
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and  became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two  weevils. 

   

(May 1, 1999)
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to  eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book;  the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly  pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of  the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. 

   

(May 1, 1999)
"Well, here is your problem." the doctor says to the first time father. "It seems that this child needs a diaper change." The new father then replies "but I swear, that package said it was good for 8-10 lbs."

   

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.   He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
   

I, too, once had a friend, Joe, who worked in the coal mines. Unfortunately, he was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down the mine shaft and crushed Joe to death. A local composer wrote an orchestral piece in memory of Joe:
It was called "Symphony in A Flat Miner."
   

Many years ago a friend of mine called Joe worked in the coal mines. He would go to work early in the morning, go down the mine to the coal face and do his eight hour stint, then come back to the surface to get ready to come home. He followed this daily routine faithfully for years on end, down the mine in the morning and up at the end of his shift. Down then up, down then up. One day whilst he was at the coal face he swung his pick ax and the point went deep into a rock. He eventually managed to remove the pick ax from the rock, and as he did so he was engulfed in a deluge of water. He was absolutely drenched by the water, and his work mates remarked that he looked about 10 years younger since the water had covered him. They all tried to get soaked, and those that managed did indeed look 10 years younger. He, and those of his friends who had managed to get covered by the water, were thankful but they couldn't stop wondering why they had only been made to look 10 years younger. Why hadn't they been made to look 20 or 25 years younger than they really were?
It must be obvious that it was only a miner miracle

   

I had been planning this for almost a year. I had two tickets to the Rolling Stones concert at The Pond. I had slept overnight at the box-office and tickets were sold out in the first hour. I was one of the few at our school who were lucky enough to get a pair of tickets. They had cost a full month's allowance. It was my first date with Karen, the head cheerleader and the most popular girl at the school. I have had a crush on her since the sixth grade. Dad had given me the keys to his new Cantera. He had never allowed me to drive it before. Nothing could go wrong. This would be the perfect evening and hopefully the start of a long relationship. When I was about to leave, my mother called me. She had just received a frantic call from my older sister, Linda. Her car had stalled on the freeway and she was late for work. I would have to go pick her up, take her to work, and then see that her car was towed to the nearest garage. I would have to cancel my date. I immediately refused, telling Mom it was impossible for me to do that. My mother was irate. "Don't you have any sense of responsibility," she asked. "It's not that,"
I answered. . . . "I just can't be a brother and assist her."

   

The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive. Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons (and her moon wasn't so bad either), the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming. She waited day and night, looking out with hope out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her. However, every knight was scared away by her dress, which, as I've said before, was very ugly. She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered, ....
"See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!!!"

   

Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that:
you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
   

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. 
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
   

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
   

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" 
The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
   

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
   

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"  "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?"
Yeah, I'm positive!"
   

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? 
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
   

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But   why?," they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
   

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry, "replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
   

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to   a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, But they are twins
if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
   

A young American couple, who recently bought a large house in London, decided  that their new home needed central heating. When they were told it would be impossible to install a heating system, the wife sighed and said,
"I should have known that we couldn't have archaic and heat it too."
   

There's young fashion designer who has decided to combine the national dress of India with the carefree styling of Polynesia.
He calls it his "Sari, Sarong Number."
   

Mother Gnu was waiting for Papa Gnu as he came home for dinner one evening. "Our little boy was very bad today," she declared. "I want you to punish him." "Oh no," said Father Gnu. "I won't punish him.
You'll have to learn to paddle your own gnu."

   
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best: The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength--none in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!
   

A certain man had a daughter who was...how do I say this tactfully... ugly. Well, in a desperate attempt to marry her off, this man found a available young gentleman by the name of Herz. He invited him over to supper and, with the promise of a large dowry, suggested Mr. Herz wink at the girl during the meal. Unfortunately, once he saw her, no amount of money would have coaxed him to bat his lashes....which just goes to show you:
You can lead a Herz to daughter, but you can't make him wink

   

The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's permission, I got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that we didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way, he passed a bookstore and, being intrigued by a display in the window, he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The point of my story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because . . . he'll get verse before he gets butter!" (By Carl Hess in The Pundit)

   

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

   

It seems that when the Holy Angel's Convent was trying to save money, it sent out the nuns' faded clothing to be reconditioned.    Unfortunately, when the things came back they were not of a uniform color.    The businessman who did the work denied responsibility.   He righteously proclaimed that, "Everybody knows that old habits dye hard."

   

The other day I decided to bake a cake and so I set to work in the kitchen. I discovered that I didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way, he passed a bookstore and, being intrigued by a display in the window, he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The point of my story is:
Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because . . . he'll get verse before he gets butter!"

   

One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to a problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those white togas clean was a constant pain. He also had some weird ideas that if he could get the togas stiff enough, they would be like a light coat of armor... not enough to last through a sustained battle, but enough to ward off an assassin's arrow. He figured the easiest way to get this done on a large scale would be to dump a bunch of detergent into a tidal pool, and dump the toga's in afterwards. (This was two thousand years ago... the environmental movement was restricted to a few druids here and there). The gentle motion of the tides would wash the dirt out. Afterwards, all that would have to be done would be to throw some starch in, and then pull the toga's out to dry. He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw in the starch. The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over the assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so quickly they were all frozen into place. After a little while, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of the enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his advisors. Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads or tails of the sight of his workers stuck standing there. Until of course, one of his advisors whispered to him: . . . "Beware, the tides of starch."

   

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"