HumorMatterstm

Christmas

I think Santa Claus is a woman....and the rebuttal

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social
deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they --with
amazing calm --call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour
decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake
up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.

First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,
gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,
desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack
would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa
DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he
would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then
refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there
would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like
Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also
need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and
get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with
all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.


And Now The Rebuttal
- Contributions by Kreme & Wefish

WE WROTE:
I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one
to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it...
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think
about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.

THE REBUTTAL:
And when does Santa deliver his presents? The Friday after
Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours? I don't
think so. Christmas Eve deliveries are irrefutable proof that
Mr. Claus is a man.


WE WROTE:
And a male Santa would inevitably have transportation problems
because he would get lost up there in the snow and clouds and
then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

THE REBUTTAL:
Santa uses a reindeer so drunk his nose is glowing as his
navigator. You think a woman would allow those cute deer
to work on Christmas Eve? In the cold? A female Claus would
dress those poor deer in sweaters and booties.


WE WROTE:
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

THE REBUTTAL:
When was the last time you saw a woman in a red velvet suit?
The fact Santa can ignore "fashion" and wear the same suit
for 500 years proves he couldn't possibly be a woman.


WE WROTE:
- Men don't answer their mail. (Except email of course)

THE REBUTTAL:
And when was the last time Santa answered a letter?
Like, never.


WE WROTE:
- Men aren't interested in stockings UNLESS somebody's
wearing them.

THE REBUTTAL:
And women aren't interested in stockings unless someone
better looking than them is wearing them.


WE WROTE:
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up babes.

THE REBUTTAL:
As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble
with babes. It's amazing how grateful a woman is when
you deliver a nice diamond solitaire or electric socks.


WE WROTE:
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require
a commitment

THE REBUTTAL:
And also requires the ability to stay up for 24 hours
straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer and going
up and down soot infested chimneys. You think a woman would
go down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet? Of
course not. Commitment also requires that Christmas is the
same day each year.
With a female Santa, Christmas would be late because she'd
have to touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving
each house. Let's face it, Santa Claus is, and always
has been, a guy.