HumorMatterstm

Christmas

The 12 Days of Christmas 
Presents and All
(a classic from the archives, with some minor changes and updated for the age of E-mail--I understand that the original is from a Bob Rivers comedy album)
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From: Sandy Clause, Sandy@Clausenet.com  December 14
My dearest darling Nick:
Where on earth did you find a real partridge in a pear tree?
Thank you a hundred times!
All my love forever,
Sandy
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From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com  December 15
Dearest Nick:
I received your sweet gift. Imagine: two turtle doves!
 They're adorable. Thanks again!
Love always,
Sandy
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From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com  December 16
Dear Nick:
Aren't you the extravagant one. 
I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens!
Love,
Sandy
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From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com  December 17
Dear Nick:
Today I got the four calling birds. 
Now really, they're beautiful, but isn't that a bit too romantic?
Affectionately,
Sandy
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From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com  December 18
Dearest Nick:
What a surprise. Today the UPS delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. Just in time, as those birds squawking
were starting to get on my nerves, and I was beginning to
wonder about you!
Love,
Sandy
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From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com  December 19
Dear Nick:
When I opened the door today there were six geese laying on
my front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These
geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining. Please stop.
Cordially,
Sandy
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From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com  December 20
Nick:
What's with you and freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming.
What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop everywhere. I
can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.
So stop!
Sandy
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From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com  December 21
O.K. Buster:
What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's
not enough with all those birds - they had to bring their
cows! There's manure everywhere and I can't move in my own
house. Just lay off, smartass.
Sandy
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From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com  December 22
Hey Bonehead:
What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing - and I mean playing! They haven't stopped chasing
those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and
they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am
I going to do? The neighbors want me evicted. What were you
thinking?!
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From: Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com  December 23
You rotten jerk:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I say "ladies."
They've been fooling around with those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the
police on you.
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Sandy Clause Sandy@Clausenet.com  December 24
Listen you "#$%&*^#"
Great - now there's eleven lords a leaping on those maid and
ladies. All twenty-three of the birds have been trampled to
death in the orgy. The pipers have even started getting the
cows into the action. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten
vicious swine!!!
Your sworn enemy
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Elves Toymaker, Esq.EToymaker@Elvestoymaker.com  December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Ms. Sandy Clause. The destruction of her property and peace
of mind was, of course, total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. Should you attempt to locate or
contact Ms. Clause at the sanitarium where she now resides,
the attendants have been instructed to have you arrested on
sight.