Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

     December 1
     Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn
upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

     December 2
     Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.

     December 3
     Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

     December 4
     Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

     December 5
     Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

     December 6
     Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.

     December 7
     Debug Windows '95

     December 8
     Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade
with beeswax from my backyard bee colony.

     December 9
     Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all
instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved
ones.

     December 10
     Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

     December 11
     Lay Faberge egg.

     December 12
     Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled
myself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by hand
making snow and playing my Christmas album.

     December 13
     Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.

     December 14
     Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

     December 15
     Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.

     December 17
     Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

     December 19
     Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

     December 20
     Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar
to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

     December 21
     Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.

     December 22
     Float votive candles in toilet tank.

     December 23
     Seed clouds for white Christmas.

     December 24
     Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.

     December 25
     Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.

     December 26
     Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

     December 27
     Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

     December 28
     Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

     December 29
     Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved
myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.

     December 30
     Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with
olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.

     December 31
     New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each
time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.