HumorMatterstm

Easter Humor

 

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from the Easter Bunny

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!

With Apologies to Blondes comes this new Easter joke

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

And Now for the Politically correct version of the above joke. 
This illustrates one way in which jokes that are derogatory
to a specific group can be revised to be more neutral.

Three fools died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first fool, "What is Easter?" He replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second fool the same question, "What is Easter?"  The second one replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree,exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second fool, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third fool and asks, "What is Easter?" The third fool smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. "The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.  Then he continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

(This is an old groaner.)

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the
Easter  Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid
hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car
and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy,  too.
 
  The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
  over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of
the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
 
  The driver felt guilty and began to cry. 
  A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side
of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what was wrong.
 
  "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny
  and killed it. What should I do?"
 
  The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She
  went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to
  the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can
onto the little furry animal.
 
  Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up
the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and
hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned
around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned,  waved,
hopped  another 50 yards and waved again!!!!
 
  The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name
is in your spray can?" The woman turned the can around so that the man
could read the label.  It said:
 
  "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."