HumorMatterstm

Passover Humor

Passover Warning

Just in time for this year, a group of leading medical people has published data indicating that seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

 

At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go".

 

Passover Jeopardy
First the answers and then the Questions

A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

A: Sofer
Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?

 

Passover Dr. Suess Style

Sam! Will you never see?
They are not KOSHER, So let me be!
I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them Sam-I-am.
But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit.
Or I will try them with some brisket.
I'll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try
Scrambled up inside some matzoh brie!
And in a boat upon the river,
I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver!
So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham.
Let your friends in on the scoop:
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!

 

The Ancient Story

As Moses and the Children of Israel were crossing through the parted Red Sea, Moses heard cries about how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, the water was salty and not drinkable. Miraculously, a fish appeared from the wall of water and told Moses that she and her family heard the pleas of the people. The fish said to Moses that she and her family would remove the salt from the water by passing it through their gills and forcing it out of their mouths. The water would be fresh like a fountain from which the Israelites could drink as they walked by. Moses accepted this kindly offer. To remember the miracle of the fish who transformed salt water to fresh water, Moses let it be known that hence forth the Sedar to honor the Exodus would always include "Gill Filter Fish"

The Rabbi and the Shamos

A few days before Passover a rabbi was walking home when he noticed his shamos walking ahead of him. The rabbi hurried to catch up as he had some important matters to discuss. Much to his dismay, the rabbi saw that the shamos had entered a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi couldn't believe his eyes. He looked again and saw the shamos pointing to the menu and talking to the waiter. He looked again and saw the waiter deliver a tray of food to the shamos. Then he saw the shamos take the chop sticks and start eating a traif meal, including shrimp.

The rabbi could no longer contain himself. He burst into the restaurant and said, "Moshe, what are you doing?"

Moshe looked up and said to the rabbi, "I don't understand."

The rabbi said, "I just saw you, Moshe, my most holy shamos, with all this traif food!"

Moshe said, "Rabbi, did you see me come into this Restaurant?"

"Yes, I did," replied the Rabbi.

"Did you see me order the food?"

"Yes, I did" said the rabbi.

"Did you see me eat the food?"

"Of course I did!!! Why do you think I barged in here?"

"Well, then," said Moshe, "I don't see the problem. It was all done under rabbinical supervision!"

 

Our Passover Things

(To be sung to the tune of "My favorite things", from The Sound of Music)

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefiltered,
horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kidish and Yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locust and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzoh balls floating and eggshell that clings
These are a few of our Passover things.

CHORUS

When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.

From Joke-Of-The-Day.com

Lunch
______
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.
He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat
leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh,
a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the
blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled,
and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

**************

Top Passover Pickup Lines
____________________________
* Let's make this night really different from all others nights.
* Want to wander through my desert?
* I've got a Ramses in my pockets, and I'm glad to see you
* Wanna look for MY afikomen?

**************

This classic is attributed to George Burns
__________________________________________________
During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a
very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb.
On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to
charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but
he was going to turn it down.

"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"

"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in
Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying
Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know
the difference."

"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

"Remember that question the son asks the father on the
first night of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh.
Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other
honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name.
He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder
and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight
different from all other knights?"

(For those unfamiliar with the holidays or customs, the traditional
question that he asked "Ma Nirvana ha lei la haze," asks the age
old question "Why is this NIGHT different than any other NIGHT")

From Fellow Jester Patty come the following Passover Songs

There's No Seder Like our Seder
(sung to the tune of "There's no Business like Show Business")

There's no seder like our seder,
There's no seder I know.
Everything about it is halachic
Nothing that the Torah won't allow.
Listen how we read the whole Haggadah
It's all in Hebrew
'Cause we know how.
There's no Seder like our seder,
We tell a tale that is swell:
Moses took the people out into the heat
They baked the matzoh
While on their feet
Now isn't that a story
That just can't be beat?
Let's go on with the show!
-----------------------------

Take Us Out of Egypt
(sung to the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game")

Take us out of Egypt
Free us from slavery
Bake us some matzoh in a haste
Don't worry 'bout flavor--
Give no thought to taste.
Oh it's rush, rush, rush, to the Red Sea
If we don't cross it's a shame
For it's ten plagues,
Down and you're out
At the pesach history game.
----------------------------------

Elijah
(to the tune of "Maria")

Elijah!
I just saw the prophet Elijah.
And suddenly that name
Will never sound the same to me.
Elijah!
He came to our seder
Elijah!
He had his cup of wine,
But could not stay to dine
This year--
Elijah!
For your message all Jews are waiting:
That the time's come for peace
and not hating--
Elijah--
Elijah!
---------------------------------------

Just a Tad of Charoset
(to the tune of "Just a Spoon Full of Sugar")

Chorus:
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
The bitter herbs go down, the bitter herbs go down.
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
In the most disguising way.
Oh, back in Egypt long ago,
The Jews were slaves under Pharoh.
They sweat and toiled and labored
through the day.
So when we gather pesach night,
We do what we think right.
Maror, we chew,
To feel what they went through.
Chorus
So after years of slavery
They saw no chance of being free.
Their suffering was the only life they knew.
But baby Moses grew up tall,
And said he'd save them all.
He did, and yet,
We swear we won't forget.
That......

Chorus

While the maror is being passed,
We all refill our water glass,
Preparing for the taste that turns us red.
Although maror seems full of minuses,
It sure does clear our sinuses.
But what's to do?
It's hard to be a Jew!!!
Chorus
------------------------------------

Same time next year
(to the tune of "Makin' Whoopee")

Another pesach, another year,
The family seder with near and dear...
Our faces shining,
All thoughts of dining
Are put on hold now.
We hear four questions,
The answer given
Recalls the Jews from Egypt driven.
The chrain is bitter, (charoses better!)
Please pass the matzoh.
Why is this evening different
From all the other nights?
This year the Jews all over
Are free to perform the rites.
A gorgeous dinner--who can deny it--
Won't make us thinner, to hell with diet!
It's such great cooking...
and no one's looking,
So just enjoy it.
Moving along at steady clip
Elijah enters, and takes a sip;
And then the singing with voices ringing
Our laughter mingling.
When singing about Chad Gad Ya.
Watch close or your place you'll lose,
For Echad Mi Yodea:
Which tune shall we use?
We pray next Pesach
We'll all be here.
It's a tradition...
Same time next year...
So fill it up now, the final cup now,
Next year at ____________
-------------------------------------

The Ballad of the Four Sons
(to the tune of "Clementine")

Said the father to his children,
"At the seder you will dine,
You will eat your fill of matzoh,
You will drink four cups of wine."
Now this father had no daughters,
But his sons they numbered four.
One was wise and one was wicked,
One was simple and a bore.
And the fourth was sweet and winsome,
he was young and he was small.
While his brothers asked the questions
he could scarcely speak at all.
Said the wise one to his father
"Would you please explain the laws?
Of the customs of the seder
Will you please explain the cause?"
And the father proudly answered,
"As our fathers ate in speed,
Ate the paschal lamb 'ere midnight
And from slavery were freed."
So we follow their example
And 'ere midnight must complete
All the seder and we should not
After 12 remain to eat.
Then did sneer the son so wicked
"What does all this mean to you?"
And the father's voice was bitter
As his grief and anger grew.
"If you yourself don't consider
As son of Israel,
Then for you this has no meaning
You could be a slave as well."
Then the simple son said simply
"What is this," and quietly
The good father told his offspring
"We were freed from slavery."
But the youngest son was silent
For he could not ask at all.
His bright eyes were bright with wonder
As his father told him all.
My dear children, heed the lesson
and remember evermore
What the father told his children
Told his sons that numbered four.

The Seder Rap
by Randi and Murray Spiegel, Passover 1994

Gonna tell you all a story, 'bout the Jews in Egypt,
They had a good thing goin', there was no complaint.
But then there came this Pharoah, who was mean and nasty,
He worked them night and day, from the heat they did faint.

They pleaded unto G-d, "Save us all, your children"
And G-d looked down to them, he was quite distressed.
So G-d appeared to Moses through a bush on fire,
He said "Go back to Egypt, go clear up this mess."

Chorus: Tell the story, find the Matzoh, drink the cups of wine.
It's all in celebration, so let's sing and dine.

So Moses went to Pharoah, saying "G-d's real angry,
They've suffered many years, Le-let my people go."
But Pharoah didn't listen, he had no intentions
Of giving up his servants, and HUHp said "No."

So G-d sent down 10 plagues, which were quite horrendous,
They started out with water being changed to blood.
And then there came the frogs; Third, the lice persisted,
Then wild beasts everywhere left a ... trail of crud.

Chorus: Tell the story, find the Matzoh, drink the cups of wine.
It's all in celebration, so let's sing and dine.

The cattle were all killed, and the boils were torture,
The hail came down in torrents, heads were really woozie.
>From the sky there came the locusts, number 9 was darkness,
But G-d was not yet done, number 10 was a doozie.

All the first-born dropped like flies in their tents and temples,
Every bird and beast in Egypt, only Pharoah was spared.
Such a wailin' in Mitsrayim, there was such commotion,
Pharoah couldn't comprehend, he just ... stopped and stared.

Chorus: Tell the story, find the Matzoh, drink the cups of wine.
It's all in celebration, so let's sing and dine.

The Jews ran out of Egypt with their herds of cattle,
Pharoah followed with his armies, they were very near,
But then Moses stretched his hand, and The Sea was parted,
Our people walked on through, they were ... free and clear.

So here we are tonight, sitting 'round this table,
We tell this tale again, never with a gap.
When our ancestors were slaves, G-d reached out to help them,
The Jews are now a people, 'cause we HUHp beat the rap!

Words copyright © 1994 by Randi and Murray Spiegel. Permission is
hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium
provided that its content is not altered and this notice is appended.
We would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears:
Spiegels, 48 Roosevelt Street, Roseland, NJ 07068 / spiegel@research.telcordia.com

=================================================================
Pharoah's Nile (to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")
by Randi and Murray Spiegel, Passover 1995

Just lean right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip
That started back in ancient times while under Pharoah's whip.
Well Moses was a pious man, G-d made him brave and sure
Though Pharoah was a mighty man, his heart was not pure,
his heart was not pure.

Old Pharoah started getting tough, the Jews were harshly bossed
If not for the courage of the fearless few our people would be lost,
our people would be lost.
They cried to G-d please rescue us, conditions here are vile.
Send Moses, and Aaron, too, to save our children and wives.
We'll leave this land at G-d's behest
Here on Pharoah's Nile.

So G-d said Moses take your staff and with your brother go
To Pharoah you will plead your case to let my people go.
Well Moses, he sure did his best, but Pharoah was not moved
Til G-d sent down ten dreadful plagues and His power was proved,
His power was proved.

The frogs, the lice, and even boils, could not make Pharoah bend
'Til slaying of the first born males threatened Pharoah's life to end,
threatened Pharoah's life to end.
The Jews escaped miraculously, when G-d helped them to flee,
Egyptian armies followed them, but drowned in the deep Red Sea.

So this is a tale of our ancestors, they wandered a long, long time.
They had to make the best of things, it was an uphill climb.
So join us here each year my friends, it's sure to be worthwhile
Retelling how the Jews escaped, far from Pharoah's Nile.

Words copyright © 1994 by Randi and Murray Spiegel. Permission is
hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium
provided that its content is not altered and this notice is appended.
We would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears:
Spiegels, 48 Roosevelt Street, Roseland, NJ 07068 / spiegel@research.telcordia.com

=================================================================
Leaving on a Desert Plane
by Randi and Murray Spiegel, Passover 2000

All our bags are packed we're ready to go
We're standing here outside our doors
We dare not wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' this early morn'
Moses is waiting, he's blowing his horn
We're planning our escape so we won't die

You'll miss me, as you will see
You've been dealt a harsh decree
You held us like you'd never let us go
We're leaving from this great strain
We pray we won't be back again
God knows, can't wait to go.

There's so many times you've let us down
Your many crimes have plagued our town
I tell you now they were all mean things
Every pace I go, you'll shrink from view,
Every song I sing will be 'gainst you
I won't be back to wear your ball and chain

You'll miss me, as you will see
You've been dealt a harsh decree
You held us like you'd never let us go
We're leaving through a wet plain
We hope we won't be back again
God knows, can't wait to go.

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, let me diss you
Close your eyes, we'll be on our way
Dream about the days to come
When you'll be left here all alone
About the time when I won't have to say

You'll miss me, as you will see
You've been dealt a harsh decree
You held us like you'd never let us go
We're leaving all our bread grain
We know we won't be back again
God knows, can't wait to go.

Words copyright © 1994 by Randi and Murray Spiegel. Permission is
hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium
provided that its content is not altered and this notice is appended.
We would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears:
Spiegels, 48 Roosevelt Street, Roseland, NJ 07068 / spiegel@research.telcordia.com

=================================================================
Dayenu

Had he saved us, saved us, saved us,
Saved us from the mean Egyptians
And not given them conniptions, Dayenu

Had he given those Egyptians
Unforgettable conniptions
Without smashing all their idols, Dayenu

Had he smashed up all their idols --
Pulverized those gal- and guy-dolls
Without killing all their first-born, Dayenu

Had he killed all of their first-born
(Made the families so forlorn)
Without giving us their riches, Dayenu

Had he given us their riches
Split the sea (we walked with fishes)
But not drowned the Pharoah's army, Dayenu

Had he drowned the Pharoah's soldiers
Forty years we hiked 'round boulders
But had given us no manna, Dayenu

Had he given us that manna
-- Go eat as much as you wanna --
But had kept the Shabbas from us, Dayenu

Had he given Shabbas to us --
This day's for rest, not for commerce
But not brought us to Mount Sinai, Dayenu

Had he brought us to Mount Sinai
Through the desert, it was so dry
And not given us the Torah, Dayenu

Had he given us the Torah
Where we sang and danced the Hora
And not led us into Israel, Dayenu

Had he led us into Israel
(So far this is quite a long tale)
And not built for us the Temple, Dayenu

Had he built for us the Temple
So to pray we do assemble
But had not made Manischewitz, Dayenu

©Singlish Publication Society, 14140
Sherwood, Oak Park, MI 48237
Scansion modifications and additional verses
by Randi & Murray Spiegel, Passover 2000