Joke of the Week 2008
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for Joke of the Week in past years.
July 2008
Here is an update on all that health stuff we keep hearing about!!!!!!
Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio i s two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
This should certainly clear up your misconceptions about food and diets.
Remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways
- Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and
health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
July 19, 2008
Your
Federal GovernmentTax Rebate:
The
federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $600 rebate. If we spend
that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China . If we spend it on gasoline
it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India . If we
purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala .
If we purchase a car it will go to Japan . If we purchase useless crap it will
go to Taiwan ...and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to
keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, and tattoos,
since these are the only products still produced in the USA .
Thank
you for your help & please support the US .
June 17, 2007
Got Tech Support???
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female
customer: A white one... |
April 15, 2007
WHY
THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want
to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either
against
us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of
the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted
by
unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the
wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting
a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there
is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real
Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars.
And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the
government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going.
I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level.
No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a
serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream
of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road,
or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE
I invented the chicken!
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken
THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the
road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
April 8, 2007
Ponderings
for Our Ages
How
Old is Grandma?
One evening a grandson
was talking to his grandmother about current events. He asked what she thought
about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The
grandma replied, & I quote; Well, let me think a minute . I was born before
television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses,
Frisbees and the pill.
There
was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented
pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, well the clothes were
hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your
granddad and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a
father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him
how to use and respect. And they went hunting and fishing together.
Until
I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'-and after I turned 25, I still
called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' Sundays were set aside for
going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting with family or
neighbors.
We
were before gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and
group therapy.
Our
lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We
were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and
take responsibility for our actions.
Serving
your country was a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege.
We
thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful
relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people
who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing
meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends not purchasing
condominiums.
We
never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys
wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's
speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out
listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If
you saw anything with 'Made in
We
had 5 & 10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10
cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all
a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on
enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You
could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because
gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In
my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your
mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.
'Aids'
were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware'
was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word.
And
we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to
have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there
is a generation gap; how old do YOU think I am - ????
Grandma would be only 65 years old in 2007
March 14, 2007
Check out our St. Patrick's Day Page
March 11, 2007
Baseball
Season is upon us and
that means the Rebirth of the Yankee/Red sox Rivalry
One
foggy night, a Yankee fan is heading north from
March 4, 2007
Ponderings for 2007
Number
10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach a person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Consider what Willie Nelson said regarding being caught recently with a bag of
Marijuana: "It's a good thing I had a bag of Marijuana instead of a bag of
spinach.
I'd be dead by now."
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars,
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT TO PONDER IN 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions
and millions of cows in
June 4, 2006
ZEN
SARCASM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. In fact, just leave me
the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
February 6, 2005
Super Bowl Sunday and we have a bit of
Super Bowl Humor
Jacksonville, Florida.
- A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Eagles-Patriots Super Bowl Game in
January, 2005
2004 The
Year's Best Headlines
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went
Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down
Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around
Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian
Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting
Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperature
Enfield (London) Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces
Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for
Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in
Spacecraft
Kids
Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into
Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in
Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot
Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery;
Hundreds Dead
Humor Matters™
