HumorMatterstm

Signs  of the Times

A movie marquis:

Now Showing

Up in Smoke

The theater was gutted from a fire!!
Submitted by Yvonne W.,Denver, PA 05/06/02

 

Sign on an elevator in West Chester University
Shared by Alex C.

In case of fire do not use elevator, use water.

 Sign in Chattanooga, Tennessee
Shared by "Jollyfolk"

 STUBBS PROSTHETICS
For those who wont take life sitting down

Sign from a Dentist's Office
 Shared by Marcella 

Pain Free
Any other Services, we charge
                         

Signs from England

Sign in a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines:

Please remove all your clothes when the  light goes out!

Sign in a London department store:

|Bargain basement upstairs

In an office:

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken

In an office:

After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining

Board on a church door:

This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is  kept locked because of the draft. 
Please use side door.)

Outside a second-hand shop:

We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc.
Why not bring  your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the prince of Wales:

The town hall is closed until opening.
It will remain closed after being opened.
Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio:

Out to lunch:
If not back by five, out for dinner also

Outside a disco:

Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town.
Everyone welcome

Sign warning of quicksand:

Quicksand.
Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of  the district council

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:

Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be  disposed of

Sign on motorway garage:

Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps.
Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is

Notice in health food shop window:

Closed due to illness

Spotted in a safari park:

Elephants please stay in your car

Notice in a field:

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

Sign on a repair shop door:

We can repair anything.
(Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

Toilet out of order.
Please use floor below

Sign in Egyptian hotel:

If you require room service, 
please open door and shout, "Room service!"

Signs from Businesses

Seen on a garbage truck

"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your trash back"

Side of a manure truck

"B.S. Trucking"

At one of our local cemeteries there’s a big sign:

"DRIVE CAREFULLY- WE CAN WAIT!"

Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA

"Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!"

Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee)

"Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends." 

In a grocery store:

"snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)" 

On a dock in Juneau, Alaska:

"Safety ladder, climb at own risk."

Emergency Evacuation Plan:

"Run like Hell!"

Billboard sign on a highway outside of Austin, TX:

"Nobody reads billboards.... But you just did :)" 

Send in the funny signs that you have actually seen.  Send the sign phrase, your name, and the location of the sign.  If we use your entry we will give you credit.  Below are several examples:

Parking for drive-through window only.
Location: McDonald's in Pleasant Hill, CA
Submitted by: Marilyn S. 4/01

se habla englis 
(we speak English) 
Location: An automotive shop in Dallas TX 
Submitted by: Mike K. 4/01

Cruise Ships: Use Airport Exit
Location: Interstate 5 Just north of San Diego, CA
Submitted by Steve S.

Satellite Parking: Next Exit
(Have you seen many satellites lately?)
Location: Access Road to Baltimore Washington International Airport
Submitted by Mark S.

Children left unattended will be towed at the owner's expense.
Location: Fat Freddies Restaurant, Costa Mesa CA
Submitted by Chris O.

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Mark Twain, U.S. Author (1835-1910)

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