Y2K Humor
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We begin with a Y2K Anagram
(An anagram is the rearrangement of a set
of words
into another set of words using the exact same letters.)
Year Two Thousand.....A Year To Shut Down
From Net surfer Adam comes the following
ponderance:
"Isn't it ironic that we call the
problem 'Y2K' when
it's abbreviations that got us in the problem in the first place."
We
begin with an item from the fact or fiction file:
(I do not know if this first item was meant
to be serious or humorous, but it is thought provoking :o)
If you think the Y2K problem doesn't exist, can and will be fixed in time, or won't cause any inconveniences to our civilized lifestyle, then you have another thing coming. NO ONE knows for sure what exactly will happen when the Year turns 2000. But let me make it clear to you the possibilities and probabilities.
1) The Fiscal Year starts in the middle of the year, so Financial systems MAY go down as early as June.
2) September 9th, 1999 may mark the date of many strange computer failures or other random anomalies. This is because the code "9999" was used for the date to note a void entry.
3) There are three levels of "Crash" when the Year 2000 hits. No one knows for sure which level will hit.
Here they are:
A) Brownout: Systems go haywire, all computer systems become unreliable, but remain operative. Electric, gas, water remain on globally, but technical glitches make it look like Loci has possessed the world.
B) Blackout: Everything goes down from 3 weeks to 6 months. Backup generators (that don't have imbedded chips) are used to power tools to fix computers. Governments go into martial law and sanction supplies until everything is fixed. It would take 5 years approximately for everything to recover, economically and technologically.
C) Meltdown: The end of civilized life as we know it. Why? Computers totally crash, we can't get power back online, the world economy collapses, all money becomes worthless, barter starts again, governments collapse, and without the powerful governmental structures and payroll, who is going to fix the power lines and return everything back to normal?
News Flash:
A recent memo from Microsoft has indicated that the release of Windows 2000 has been delayed until 1901.
BEWARE: McD 100GB
Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles. "The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB", one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."
January 1, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
A letter from a Blonde Y2K Engineer
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate, I have finished converting the months on all of the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready and will have the right months: Januark Februark Mak Julk Please note that none of the other months have a Y to change to a K.
Subject: Y zero K problem
Message from: Rome January 18, 1 B.C.
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are 3 wise guys in the East working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive till it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.
Plutonius.
"Year 2000 Problem Solved?"
by Jim Larson
Sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island"
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate,
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date,
Two digits for a date.
Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two,
So let's get by with two."
"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away,
It all will go away."
But management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet,
We won't do it just yet."
Now when two thousand rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell,
As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check.
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two,
But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure,
The only certain cure.
There's not much time,
there's too much code,
(And COBOL-coders, few).
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too,
We may be finished, too.
The way to get the time we need
I now propose to you:
A Daylight Savings decade,
Or maybe even two,
Or maybe even two.
Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't lamenting
Four digits for a date,
Four digits for a date!
And Yet another Y2K Solution
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth!" Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist,and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth." Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, " I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist, and the bad news is that he will destroy the Earth tomorrow." Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been solved!"
What The Year 2,000 Could Be Like
Your alarm clock rings on the first business day of the Year 2000, and you expect this day to be like any other. Always the worrywart, you're staying off of airplanes and you pulled your cash out of the bank, plus the computer information department at your company solved the millennium problem months ago.
But if the public agencies in your area haven't addressed the Year 2000 glitch, you could be in for a surprise. The following is, of course, an absolute worst-case scenario, but parts of it could be coming to town near you and are based on actual fears expressed by agencies across the U.S.
7 a.m. You wake up and hop in the shower. You notice a funny smell. Obviously your local water agency's treatment facility didn't fix the millennium bug.
8 a.m. You head for the subway, only to find that Y2K snafus have halted trains for the day.
8:30 a.m. You return home to get your car and drive to work. Red lights are flashing at all of the intersections because the systems weren't Year 2000-compliant.
9 a.m. Somebody runs one of the flashing red lights in front of you, crashing into another car. You get out to call 9-1-1, but the emergency system doesn't work.
10 a.m. You finally get to work and have a meeting with partners in the new company you're starting. Unfortunately, the state has lost its records on incorporated companies and cannot process your request.
Noon. You go to lunch. It's your treat because your companion didn't receive his social security check. You hold your breath while the restaurant runs your credit card - expiration date 9/00.
2 p.m. You head for the county hospital, where you've scheduled a minor surgery. Things are in disarray because medical devices have failed throughout the day.
4 p.m. The hospital, which has lost all of its appointments, finally admits you. An embedded chip in the elevator fails, and the assistants must drag you and your gurney up the stairs.
6 p.m. You drive to the state college to check the grade for a class you took last semester, the last of your pre-MBA requirements. Unfortunately it's been lost, and there is no record of you ever having taken the class.
7 p.m. You go home to call a friend and complain about your day, but the telephone line is dead because the company hasn't tackled the Year 2000 glitch.
But then again, maybe you won't experience any of it. If your electric company isn't Year 2000-compliant, you might sleep through your alarm.
Yet Another Y to K Solution
Y X W V U T S R Q P O N M L K
Twas the night before Y2K
Twas the night before Y2K
And all through the nation
We'd soon see the bug
That Caused such a sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy
Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on
To the Net And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
Then word of the shortage,
Caused such a demand
That the money was gone,
And the streets were all jammed.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see on my screen
But Millennium Bugsy,
This must be a dream!.
The hack of all hackers,
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K bug!
His image downloaded,
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
"Let all systems fall!"
"Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compac, And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all!
Millennium
Pie
(To the tune of American Pie with apologies to Don McLean)
A long, long time ago... I can still remember how
Computers used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make electrons dance,
And maybe I'd be happy for a while.
But January made me shiver,
It chilled me deep down in my liver,
Bad news I'd collected...
I couldn't get connected.
I can't remember back that day
When I first knew the Y2K
But something touched me anyway,
The day computers died.
So, ...Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
Can you write in C plus plus ?
And do you have faith in your local bus
If the driver tells you so ?
Do you believe in Compaq's goals
Can software save your mortal soul
And can you teach me how to type real slow ?
Well I thought that you were prepared
'Cause your memo said you weren't impaired
Your stationery's swell
But you can go to hell
I was a lonely teenage Unix hack
With an incantation and a modem jack
but I knew the cat had left the sack
The day computers died
I started singin'...
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC
but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
Now for 10 years we've ignored the threat
And we haven't solved the problem yet
But that's not how it used to be
When the luddites read for the king and queen
with a light they filled with kerosene
And some manuals they stole from you and me
And while Bill Gates was looking pleased
Time stole his monopolies
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned
While Apple tried a color scheme
The engineers returned to steam
And we had purges of their dreams
The day computers died
We were singin' Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
Intel inside in an iron smelter
The food leftover from my fallout shelter
Twinkies old and aging fast
I'd rather eat the grass
Q and A tried for a system crash
With the tester on the sidelines in a cast
Now the timeshare net was running Doom
While mainframes played a marching tune
We all tried to log in
Oh, but we never could begin '
Cause Cobol tried to take the field,
And Holerith refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed,
The day computers died?
We started singing Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
There we were all in a state
A generation- really late
With no time left to start again
So come on mouse be nimble, mouse be quick
Don't let my spreadsheet data stick
'Cause data is the devil's only friend.
As I watched him on my screen
My hands and face were drenched in steam
No angel born in hell
Could run that stupid shell
And as the ball climbed high into the night
To call the sacrificial night
I saw Dick Clark laughing with delight
the day computers died.
I met a girl with a cell phone
And I asked her for a dial tone
But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the software store
Where I'd seen computers years before
But the man there said the games there wouldn't play
And in the streets the children screamed
The lovers cried and the poets dreamed
their interface was spoken
The Internet was broken
And the three things
I connect to most The Website, Lan and the Network host
Every single one was toast
The day computers died
They were singin' Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire
Copyright Scott McNulty. July 1999.
Humor Matters™
