“My belief is that we are going to eventually discover that the most dramatic health
benefits of humor are not in laughter, but in the cognitive and emotional management
that humorous experiences provide. The experience of humor relieves emotional
distress and assists in changing negative thinking patterns.”
Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D.

HumorMatterstm

Joke of the Week 1998

January-June; Click here for July-December

 

Click here:

for this yearsJoke of the Week Page

For the week of June 28, 1998

This weak's joke is a spell check oars play on worlds. I do not know the original author of the poem.

I have a spell ling check oar. It came with my pea sea . It plainly marcs four my revue miss steaks eye can knot sea. When eye strike a quay or right a word, eye weight four it two say weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid. It nose bee fore two late. And eye can put the error rite. Its rarely, rarely grate. I've run this poem threw it. I'm shore your pleased two no. Its letter perfect in it's weigh. My checker tolled me sew.

For the week of June 21, 1998

A young woman brings her fiancée home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?", and the father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

 

For the week of June 14, 1998

Jesus was strolling through Jerusalem and realized that he needed a new robe. He discovered a tailor named Rubinstein who made him a beautiful robe. Jesus asked Rubinstein, "How can I pay you for your work?"

Rubinstein replied, "You owe me nothing. However, since you are pleased with your robe, I ask that as you travel and give sermons, you mention that Rubinstein made your robe." Jesus happily agreed.

Months later when Jesus returned to Jerusalem, he stopped by Rubinstein's shop to see how he was doing. Rubinstein informed Jesus that he was very busy making robes and thanked him profusely. Rubinstein suggested that they go into business together. Jesus agreed and suggested that the business be called "Jesus and Rubinstein". Rubinstein preferred that it be named, "Rubinstein and Jesus". They argued for many hours before settling on "Lord and Tailor". (for those of you who may not be aware Lord and Taylor is a well known clothing and apparel store.)

 

For the week of June 7, 1998

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ's) for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

Q: When my father's computer won't work what can I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

For the week of May 31, 1998

This week's "joke" is a look and some of life's little ponderings

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?

If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

For the week of May 24, 1998

VIAGRA

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented toward improving the performance of men in today's society....

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more childcare tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting US presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors"

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

For the week of May 17, 1998

This week's joke was shared by my friend and colleague Chris.

Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a Hippie are flying across the country. Suddenly the pilot rushes into the cabin screaming, "We are losing power and are going to crash. There are 4 parachutes, and I am wearing one." With that he jumps out of the plane. Without a moment of hesitation Michael Jordan jumps up and says, "I am one of the world's greatest athletes, and not one is going to catch me." With that he grabs the second parachute and jumps out of the plane. Bill Gates then says, "I am the world's smartest man, and the world needs me." He grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The Dali Lama turns to the Hippie and says, "Son, I have lived a long and fruitful life. Please, take the final parachute and jump to safety." The Hippie wearing a sly grin replies, "Don't worry, we can both be saved. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack!"

For the week of May 10, 1998

We have all been exposed to the humor of mis-translations. Here are a few to tickle your funny bones.

"Bite the wax tadpole."
-Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
-"Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis."
-In a Tokyo Hotel

"Please to bathe inside the tub."
-In a Japanese Hotel Room

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
-In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby

"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
-In a Leipzig Elevator

"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
-In a Belgrade Hotel Elevator

"Please leave your values at the front desk."
-In a Paris Hotel Elevator

"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
-In a Hotel in Athens

"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
-In a Yugoslavian Hotel

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
-In a Japanese Hotel

"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
-In the Lobby of a Moscow Hotel Across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
-In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." -On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant

"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup" with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." -On the Menu of a Polish Hotel

"For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service."
-In a Hong Kong supermarket

"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
-Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop

"Drop your trousers here for best results."
-In a Bangkok dry cleaner's

"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
-In a Rhodes tailor shop

"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
-From the Soviet Weekly

"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
-In an East African newspaper

"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
-In a Vienna hotel

"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
-In a Zurich hotel

"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
-In a Rome laundry

"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
-Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand

"Stop: Drive Sideways."
-Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan

"Special today---no ice cream."
-In a Swiss mountain inn

"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
-In a Tokyo bar

"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
-In a Copenhagen airline ticket office

"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
-From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo

For the week of May 3, 1998

A middle-aged woman experiences a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a "near-death" experience during which she sees God and asks, "Is this it?" God replies "No, you have another 30 years to live."

With another 30 years to live, she decides to remain in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even changes her hair color. As she walks out of the hospital after the last operation she is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the emergency room.

When she arrives in heaven she sees God and asks, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!" God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

For the week of April 26, 1998

This week's "joke" is the first in periodic installments of "The Truth is Stranger Than Fiction." :)

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year, " said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

For the week of April 19, 1998

I just returned from the Health Show in Las Vegas and one of the participants reminded me of the following joke.

A man and his wife went to a psychiatrist to see if they could gain some relief for the man's belief that he was a refrigerator. After meeting with the husband, the psychiatrist assured the wife that there was nothing about which to be concerned. A bit perturbed the wife stated, "But doc at night when he sleeps with his mouth open the light keeps me awake!"

 

For the week of April 12, 1998

This week we have marriages made in Humor Heaven

If Mary Sterling married actor Phil Silvers then divorced him and married John Service she would be Mary Sterling Silver Service!

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If JFK Jr married Elton John he really would be John-John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he then married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, then divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

For the week of April 5, 1998

A man walks into a bar, orders three shots of Whisky, and sits in the back of the room drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. After several weeks the bartender curiously asks, "Why do you order three shots at a time?"

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in England, the other in Australia, and I'm here in the US. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The man becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

One day, he comes in and orders only two shots. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he returns to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude but I see you only drinking two shots. Is everything okay? The man looks at him and smiles, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

 

For all you Baseball fans out there. Baseball season begins this week and remember that God meant for there to be baseball. After all the Bible reads, "In the Big-Inning...."

For the week of March 27, 1998

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to pull himself away from his work and take a vacation. He booked Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life --at least for a while. Caught in a hurricane his ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept onto the shore of a deserted island. Only bananas and coconuts adorned the trees. Being familiar only with the comforts of modern life he was lost on what to do. For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware -- how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines--strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know...."

She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

For the week of March 21, 1998

Billy Bob always wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. To test Billy Bob's ability to be a signalman, the railroad inspector met him at the signal box. The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalized?" "Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" Billy Bob answered, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

 

For the week of March 15, 1998

Heavenly Entrance Exam-Forrest Gump Style

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. I sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.

Saint Peter replies, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions, and here they are: First, what days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over, and returns the next day. Saint Peter then asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too." "Let's go on with the next and final question." says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well, sure, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"

 

For the week of March 8, 1998

Subject: KGB
Place and time: Somewhere in the Soviet Union in the 1930s.
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in some fallen trees on his property."
"This will be noted." Next day, the KGB patrol arrives at the Rabinovitz's house. They chop the trees into pieces, but find no diamonds.
Later the phone rings at the Rabinovitz house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes. Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.

 

For the week of March 1, 1998

This week let's have some fun with puns and language!!!

What do the starship Enterprise and Van Gogh have in common? They are both searching for the Final Front Ear!

Nero was talking to his financial advisors in a Roman amphitheater. "Why aren't we making any money from this building?" he said. An advisor replied, "Because the lions are eating up all the prophets."

An Englishman and a diplomat of the Czech Republic went on a hunting trip. When they did not return for several days, a search party was sent after them. The party found a he-bear and a she-bear, each with full tummies. The government of the Chech republic was insistent on having the remains of their diplomat returned. Not wanting to kill both animals unnecessarily, they summoned the Pope to ask for his assistance. The Pope carefully examined both animals and announced that the diplomat of the Chech republic was assuredly in the he-bear. They killed the he-bear only to find the remains of the Englishman. The moral of the story is: Even if the Pope tells you the Czech is in the male don't believe it!

It was so quiet in the bowling alley that you could hear a pin drop...

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

One foot was looking for another foot to marry because it wanted a sole-mate.

"She said I lived in an ugly house, so I knocked her flat!"

On the tombstone of a farmer whose dying wish was to be buried in his vegetable garden: "Rest in Peas"

What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers? "Law-suits."

Did you hear about the optician who made a spectacle of himself?

The women's Olympic swimming champion was a girl worth wading for.

Little known fact: One day, Mr. Ed couldn't perform because he was feeling a little horse.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

For the week of February 22, 1998

The following Joke is from fellow Jester Patty.

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they returned from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, darling," questioned her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!"

With that the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother...it's just terrible. Words like DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK."

For the week of February 15, 1998

A man enters a a fancy restaurant, but the head waiter refuses to seat him without a tie. Undaunted, the man retreats to his car to search for a tie. To his dismay he cannot find a tie or even anything that might resemble a tie. Finally, in desperation he grabs a pair of jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, and ties them under his shirt collar in some semblance of a tie. He returns to the restaurant where the head waiter stares at him for some time, and finally says: "OK, I will seat you, just don't start anything!"
>

 

For the week of February 8, 1998

With Valentine's Day approaching the following story replaces this week's Joke:

A Valentine's Story

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library.

Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.

During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel."

So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose.

As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat.. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away.

I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"

The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.

"Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you
are."

For the week of February 1, 1998

A somewhat insecure wife approached her husband and inquired, "Dear, what would you do if I died?"

The husband replied, "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset. Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" questioned the wife.

The husband seeing the double bind being created replied, "Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" asked the wife.

"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes" said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?

"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."

 

For the week of January 25, 1998

After the death of their son's pet dog, a Mom and Dad were trying to console their child by saying, "You know, it's not your fault that the dog died".

When their child continued to show a great deal of distress his Dad said, "You know, he's probably up in heaven right now with God."

After a moment of thought the child replied, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

 

For the week of January 18, 1998

A boy and his date went parking on a back road far from the lights of the local town. After a hot and heavy interlude, the boy prepared to start the car to return to town when the girl stopped him and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy paid her, smoked a cigarette, and patiently waited peering out the window of the car. Finally, the girl asked, "Why aren't we going anywhere?"

The boy replied, "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

 

For the week of January 11, 1998

A very shy young man entered a bar and saw a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally went over to her and asked, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

The woman responded yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar was staring at them. The young man completely embarrassed, returned to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walked over to him and apologized. She smiled at him and said, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

He immediately responded, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

Happy New Year

For the week of January 4, 1998

 Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in  their home state 
of Arkansas.  On a venture one day, they stopped at  a service station to fill up 
the car with gas.  It seemed that the owner of the station was once 
Hillary's high school love.  
 
 They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.  
 
 As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around  Hillary and said, 
"Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would  be the wife of a service station
owner today."  
 
 She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be 
 President of the United States."

 

Send your jokes and stories to be considered for the Joke of the Week