Thanksgiving
Divorce
A
man in
Phoenix
calls his son in
New York
the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have
to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the
sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each
other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in
Chicago
and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls
Phoenix
immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and
we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR
ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Thanksgiving
Dinner?
We
gathered together to eat some raw turkey
Cuz Mother forgot you should thaw it out first.
The gravy was lumpy and daddy was grumpy
We stifled our laughs til we thought we would burst.
The
Jello was runny, the corn tasted funny,
The biscuits you couldn’t cut through with a knife.
The yam casserole overflowed the big bowl;
This was the worst dinner I’d seen in my life
Our
mother had taken some pieces of bacon
And crumbled them up in the cold pumpkin soup.
The scalloped tomatoes were like scorched potatoes.
She’d made enough slaw for a whole boy scout troop.
Then
mom started cryin, but there’s no denyin’
Our Thanksgiving dinner had lost its appeal.
Mom said, “That’s enough,”she got up in a huff,
Then cleared off the table and served us oatmeal.
Contributed
by: Mariane
Holbrook
No Thanksgiving Dinner
Tis
the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house
No turkey is baking; I feel
like a louse,
For I am all nestled, so
snug in my bed;
I’m not gettin’ up and
I’m not bakin’ bread.
No
pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce
Cuz I give the orders, and
I am the boss.
When out in the kitchen,
there arose such a clatter
I almost got up to see what
was the matter.
As
I drew in my head and was tossing around
To the bed came my husband,
he grimaced, he frowned.
And laying his finger aside
of his nose,
He scared me to death and I
thought, “Here he goes!”
He
spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt
And the look that he gave
was intended to wilt.
So up to the ceiling my
pillows he threw
I knew I had had it, his
face had turned blue.
“You
prancer, you dodger, you’re lazy, you vixen
Out yonder in kitchen,
Thanksgiving you’re fixin.”
But he heard me explain,
with my face in a pout:
"I'm just plain too
tired and we're eating out!"
Contributed
by: Mariane
Holbrook
HumorMatterstm
Thanksgiving
Jokes
HumorMatterstm