A man in
Phoenixcalls his son in the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. New York
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in
and tell her." Chicago
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. Phoenix
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
We gathered together to eat some raw turkey
Cuz Mother forgot you should thaw it out first.
The gravy was lumpy and daddy was grumpy
We stifled our laughs til we thought we would burst.
The Jello was runny, the corn tasted funny,
The biscuits you couldn’t cut through with a knife.
The yam casserole overflowed the big bowl;
This was the worst dinner I’d seen in my life
Our mother had taken some pieces of bacon
And crumbled them up in the cold pumpkin soup.
The scalloped tomatoes were like scorched potatoes.
She’d made enough slaw for a whole boy scout troop.
Then mom started cryin, but there’s no denyin’
Our Thanksgiving dinner had lost its appeal.
Mom said, “That’s enough,”she got up in a huff,
Then cleared off the table and served us oatmeal.
Contributed by: Mariane Holbrook
No Thanksgiving Dinner
Tis the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house
No turkey is baking; I feel like a louse,
For I am all nestled, so snug in my bed;
I’m not gettin’ up and I’m not bakin’ bread.
No pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce
Cuz I give the orders, and I am the boss.
When out in the kitchen, there arose such a clatter
I almost got up to see what was the matter.
As I drew in my head and was tossing around
To the bed came my husband, he grimaced, he frowned.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He scared me to death and I thought, “Here he goes!”
He spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt
And the look that he gave was intended to wilt.
So up to the ceiling my pillows he threw
I knew I had had it, his face had turned blue.
“You prancer, you dodger, you’re lazy, you vixen
Out yonder in kitchen, Thanksgiving you’re fixin.”
But he heard me explain, with my face in a pout:
"I'm just plain too tired and we're eating out!"
Contributed by: Mariane Holbrook
Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen,
watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.
"That's cool!" Bruno said.
"Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."
(A Turkey's Lament)
Thanksgiving Top 10
That Sound Dirty But Aren't
(Contains sexual innuendo)