“My belief is that we are going to eventually discover that the most dramatic health
benefits of humor are not in laughter, but in the cognitive and emotional management
that humorous experiences provide. The experience of humor relieves emotional
distress and assists in changing negative thinking patterns.”
Steven M. Sultanoff, Ph.D.

HumorMatterstm

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Joke of the Week 1998

July-December
Click here for January-June

For the week of December 27, 1998
The following was shared by fellow jest Patty

How Cold Is It?
With cold snaps hitting the country and winter upon us comes the following thermometer readings.

An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit)

+50
New York tenants turn on the heat
Minnesotans plant gardens

+40
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans sunbathe

+35
Italian cars don't start

+32
Distilled water freezes

+30
You can see your breath
You plan a vacation in Florida
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
Minnesotans eat ice cream

+25
Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20
Cleveland water freezes
San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
Minnesota Vikings fans put on T-shirts----YEAH!!!

+15
You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
Minnesotans go swimming

+10
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
Too cold to snow
You need jumper cables to get the car going

0
New York landlords turn on the heat

-5
You can hear your breath
You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10
American cars don't start
Too cold to skate

-15
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Miamians cease to exist
Minnesotans lick flagpoles

-20
Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
People in Duluth think about taking down screens

-25
Too cold to kiss
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
Japanese cars don't start
Minnesota Twins head for spring training

-30
You plan a two-week hot bath
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

-38
Mercury freezes
Too cold to think
Minnesotans button top button

-40
Californians disappear
Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
Minnesotans put on sweaters

-50
Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
Two Harbors Minnesota Agates practice indoors

-60
Walruses abandon Aleutians
Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
Boy Scouts in Two Harbors Minnesota start Klondike Derby

-70
Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo,WI
Lackore Boys start to complain while working on snowmobiles

-80
Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
Girl Scouts in Two Harbors Minnesota start Klondike Derby

-90
Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer

-100
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
Minnesotans pull down earflaps

-173
Ethyl alcohol freezes
The University of Minnesota (Twin Cities Campus) closes

-445
Superconductivity
Lackore Boys quit working on snowmobiles.

-452
Helium becomes a liquid

-454
Hell freezes over

-456
Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90

-458
Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460  (Absolute Zero)
All atomic motion ceases
The University of Minnesota-Duluth is closed
Minnesotans alert us as to how it's getting a mite nippy

 

For the week of December 20, 1998

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre.  She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was  really into the movie.  He cried at the right spots, he  moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts.  Did you find that unusual??"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he  hated the book!"

For the week of December 13, 1998--With Presents soon to be under the trees

A burglar broke into a house on Christmas Eve and pointing his flashlight at the gifts under the tree he snatched  a CD player and placed in his sack. He then heard a strange, disembodied voice echo from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." 

He nearly jumped out of his skin,  turned off the flashlight, and froze. After minutes of dead silence, he shook his head assuming he had been hearing things.  He then clicked on the flashlight and began adding more gifts to his loot. Just as he grabbed a notebook computer, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.   "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.  "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "Get out of my house."

The burglar relaxed and retorted, "Who are you to tell me to leave?"   "I am Moses," replied the bird.  "Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus!"

 

For the week of December 6, 1998--With Christmas Approaching

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to
hire a man  to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was
wrong.  As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the
sanctuary, he saw the elderly Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar,
apparently saying her rosary. The repairman decided to have some fun with the paritioner.   
In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus.
Your prayers will be answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her
prayers. The  man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried
again.  "This is Jesus, the Son of God!  Your prayers will be
answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all.  Mustering up a big breath of
air, the man decided to try again.  "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE
SON OF GOD!  YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP!  I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"

For the week of November 29, 1998--Thanksgiving Stories

TRUE STORIES FROM THE BUTTERBALL Turkey Hotline,
where people call to get advice
how to cook a Turkey from the experts

* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to
find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer
the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the
bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still
running around outside."

* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't
Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California
wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu

* Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough
for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get
any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

 

For the week of November 22, 1998

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

 

For the week of November 15, 1998

You know it is a bad day when:
 
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting at your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your income tax check bounces.
Your pet rock snaps at you.

For the week of November 8, 1998

A man trying to understand the nature of God asked "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a million dollars?"
And God said, "In a minute."

 

For the week of November 1, 1998
With John Glenn in orbit comes the following story from the space race of the 1960s

So who's got the pencil sharpener?
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, and used a pencil.

 

 

For the week of October 25, 1998

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
As they lay down for the night, Holmes said, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
Holmes queried, "And what does that tell you?"
Watson explained,  "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great, and  we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes responded, "Somebody stole our tent."

 

 

For the week of October 18, 1998

A famous scientist was on his way to yet another lecture when his chauffeur offered an idea. "Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions. "Yes," said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question. The chauffeur was panic stricken for a moment but quickly recovered. That's an easy one, "he replied. "So easy, I' m going to let my chauffeur answer it!"

 

 

 

For the week of October 11, 1998

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent. She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street. The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that a  man  at her door  insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

 

 

 

For the week of October 4, 1998

With the ups and downs of the 1998 stock market comes the following stock quotations:

Helium was up, feathers were down.
     Paper was stationary.
     Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
     Knives were up sharply.
     Cows steered into a bull market.
     Pencils lost a few points.
     Hiking equipment was trailing.
     Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
     Weights were up in heavy trading.
     Light switches were off.
     Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
     Diapers remain unchanged.
     Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
     The market for raisins dried up.
     Coca Cola fizzled.
     Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
     Sun peaked at midday.
     Balloon prices were inflated.
     And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

 

For the week of September 27, 1998

This week's "joke" is dedicated to those of you who are on the Gogh!!!

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother..............................................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ...............................................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.........................................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle .... .............................................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store........Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia........................................U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois................................................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle............................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Italian uncle.............................................................Day Gogh
His Mexican cousin....................................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..............Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ...................Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt..............................................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco...................................................Go Gogh
The bird lover uncle....................................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst.................................................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin...................................................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking.........................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew.................................................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van..Winnie Bay Gogh
His mathmatical wizard half  brother............................Gogh Figure

 

For the week of September 20, 1998

This joke just arrived and with tonight being the beginning of the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah), it seemed appropriate to add this joke to this week's edition.

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him."

 

Math/Intelligence Test:
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for an intelligence  test.
The doctor asks  the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," he replies.
The doctor asks  the second man, "What is three times three?"  
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor.
"How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

 

For the week of September 13, 1998

While waiting by the side of the highway to catch speeding drivers, a  State Police Officer's radar gun registers 22 MPH for a passing car. He thinks to  himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his  lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that  there are five old ladies all of whom are wide eyed and white as ghosts.  The driver, obviously confused, says to him,  "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What  seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't  speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can  also be a danger to other drivers. "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I  was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old  woman replies a bit proudly. The State Police Officer, trying to contain a  chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.  A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing  out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is  everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't  muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be  all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

 

For the week of September 6, 1998

In Honor of the Yankees who have won 100 games already this season, and Mark McGuire who will likely tie Roger Maris's 1961 homerun record this week and perhaps even break it this week comes the following joke.

HEAVENLY BASEBALL

Two buddies Frank and Steve were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Frank and Steve discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Frank passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Steve awoke to the sound of Frank's voice from beyond. "Frank is that you?" Steve asked. "Of course it's me," Frank replied. "This is unbelievable!" Steve exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Steve."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

 

For the week of August 30, 1998

Here's an example of "humor Aikido"

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a attractive young woman asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the woman. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

 

For the week of August 23, 1998

The following joke may be offensive to some of you.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says: "The results of your medical tests are in, and I have good news and bad news."
The man asks for the good news first.
"The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor.
The man responds, "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??"
"I couldn't reach you yesterday."

For the week of August 16, 1998

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

For the week of August 9, 1998
This week's "joke" is a peek at the quirks of the English language.

American English can be a Crazy Language

Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them? I

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 

For the week of August 2, 1998

Three guys were standing around talking about dying when one asked, "What would you like people to say about you as they come to pay their last respects?" The second man said, "I hope they say I was a respected doctor in my field, a good family man, and had lots of friends." The third man said, "I hope they say I was a well spoken attorney, helped my fellow man, good citizen, and played a mean round of golf." The first man said, "That's probably what will be said of the two of you." My hope is that when they look down in my coffin they say, "Look...he's moving"!

 

For the week of July 26, 1998

The following joke is an example of the use of humor Aikido.

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back..."Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

 

For the week of July 19, 1998

While digging a shaft into the German homeland, German scientists discovered small pieces of copper at 50 meters. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. The British ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. At a depth of 100 meters, they discovered small pieces of glass. Soon the British announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100, and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. The Israelis concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

For the week of July 12, 1998

This joke comes from the files of Henny Youngman

A pair of honeymooners checked into the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C. That night, as the husband was about to turn off the light, his bride asked, "Do you think this room is bugged?"
"That was a long time ago, sweetheart," he reassured her.
"But what if there's a microphone somewhere? I'd be so embarrassed."
So the groom searched under tables and behind pictures. Then he turned back the rug. Sure enough, there was a funny-looking gismo in the floor. He took out the screws, got rid of the hardware, and climbed into bed.
The next morning the newlyweds were awakened by a hotel clerk who wanted to know if they had slept well. "We did," replied the groom. "Why do you ask?"
"It's rather unusual," the clerk answered. "Last night the couple in the room below yours had a chandelier fall on them."

For the week of July 5, 1998

The source of this masterpiece is unknown. If any of you knows its origin I would love to know and give credit!

WHAT IF DR. SEUSS DID TECHNICAL WRITING?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory make your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

For  1998 Joke of the Week January-June

 

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